The Witches of Eastwick or How I Learned to Hate John Updike

Movies tend to screw up books.  It happens so often you can say "oh, I saw the movie" to anyone recommending a book and they will automatically go into zombie-groan-eyeball-rolling despair.  However, I saw the movie version of The Witches of Eastwick years ago (it was released back in '87) and it grew into a thing of beauty compared to the tripe from which it sprang.  It still had some scenes that made me turn green and the casting made no sense - with the exception of Jack Nicholson - but the story was far less of a clusterfoque.  *I would like to clarify that this book and movie are in no way connected to the book and tv show The Witches of East End.*

In the book, we meet three witches living in a small town and screwing everybody.  No kidding, those are the two things you are told straight off and then repeatedly about these women.  It was the late 60s and that whole sexual freedom thing was rampant. One of them even boffed the other one's husband but nobody cared. We're also told one of the husbands was transformed into a table mat, another is hanging like dried flowers in a basement and the third turned to powder and is shelved in an urn.  Somehow the women are also involved with this Unitarian church, one of them is nailing the pastor and all of them became extremely powerful sorceresses upon moving to the town, though that's never really explained.  Makes me want to stay the hell out of Rhode Island, because who wants a third nipple? Wait, did I tell you all three women had an extra nipple? yeah, there's that.

Enter a scruffy sleazeball who sets up an unseen lab in a crumbling mansion and installs a teak wood spa room with a retractable roof where he can have orgies and share his greasy loins with women who are inexplicably drawn to him.  All three witches go from scorn to hot-tubbing in a blink.  At one point, one of the witches actually kisses his ass.  There's a visual.

To sum up, we've got some longstanding criterion for your average American witch:  the presence of a third nipple (aka a "witch's teat"), inversion of religious phrases to perform pagan rituals and blind devotion to a devil character to whom she shows allegiance by kissing his backside.  We've got what I'd call serious misogyny with a dash of "look how well I know witchy shit" e.g,  "I made it rain so I could walk my dog on the beach! Watch out for piles!"  What we don't have are characters that make you care about how they turn out, explanations for their sudden mastery of the craft and roles for any strong women who aren't just relying on smooching devil tupkes.  If you think Mad Men just wasn't tough enough on those crybaby girls who shouldn't be in an office anyway, this book might be for you.  For the rest of us, there are plenty of others that won't give you the urge to vacuum in high heels...for example, Alice Hoffman's The Probable Future, those East End chicks I mentioned, Jim Butcher's Dresden Files, or Erik Setiawan's Of Bees and Mist.


Last Words

"Don't embarrass me with this shit."

Investigator Mark Novak can't get those words out of his head; two years ago they were the last words he spoke to his wife before she was murdered.  It also happens to be exactly what I was thinking when I started this book.  I like Koryta but he's been hit ( So Cold the River ) or miss (Those Who Wish Me Dead) in the past.

Mark works for a pro bono company that frees wrongfully convicted criminals.  They get a letter from a small-town pariah named Ridley Barnes who isn't even in prison but for years has been under suspicion for murder.  When a girl went missing in the local caves, Ridley was the experienced (if mostly batshit, no pun intended) cave expert who brought her out.  Bad news was, she was dead and his time in the cave was riddled with memory holes and strange exclamations about the mystical qualities of the cave.  Didn't help he referred to the cave as a "she."  Anyway, the town decides he's guilty despite lack of evidence and Ridley decides he has to find out for himself if he is guilty.  Enter Novak, who has been careening around looking for whoever killed his wife.

Ridley's hometown of Garrison, IL has all the stereotypical small-town characters you'd expect and sadly, none of the surprises.  Again and again, Mark runs into people who won't talk, truth that's skirted like an antebellum housewife and characters that lack so much fleshing-out they may as well be on a forensics table.

I admit caves scare me silly, so if I'm going to spend even imaginary-time in one, there had better be a pay-off.  I waited and hoped that there would be something supernatural or at least surprising as the mystery unfolded, but only got a goose egg and a reveal that was lacking in both imagination and impact.  If you're interested in caving - or even not - and want an interesting story of what goes on down there,  let me recommend Jeff Long's The Descent (not the same story as the movie, trust me) or Cherie Priest's Those Who Went Remain There Still.


Every time I try to write this damn review, it just goes haywire.  I don't want to prattle and wind.  I want you to know this book is the best thing King's written since the denoument of The Dark Tower in '04.  I want you to know I walked around feeling like someone directly tapped into my head and found what I didn't realize I wanted so badly:  a chance to see what things were like long before I ever got here, to see my grandmother dance or our town before it was filled with crappy antique shops.  I want so much to visit a time when the internet wasn't being used as a replacement for the library and phones were used as *phones* and not gadgets to avoid actually connecting with people.  I think a lot of other folks would feel the same way (though I may be younger than many of them).  I don't think I'd take on the task of preventing assassinations, but then, I like to keep things simple and avoid bulletholes.


Dreadful Skin

I love books that take a real-life mysterious event and give it a much cooler explanation.  Cherie Priest pulls that off


Cherie Priest's Fathom

As you can see from my other reviews, Cherie Priest is firmly planted at the top of my Authors Y'all Should Be Reading Already list.  If you're not much for steampunk or psychics, try Fathom, which is about